From stacking the dishwasher poorly to forgetting to pick up children — many of you had a lot to say about our story on weaponised incompetence.
Some readers expressed relief and validation to discover the behaviour — a tactic to avoid certain tasks or responsibility — had a name, while others felt it was more a matter of playing to our strengths in a relationship.
Here is a collection of your thoughts from our Facebook and Instagram posts.
Many of you felt validated to know there was a term for this behaviour…
So pleased these discussions are becoming mainstream. It would have seriously and positively affected my life and my decisions if I'd had language to describe this tactic as a young person. — Heather
Thanks for finally talking about this. It's a very common issue in modern relationships. — Ruby
Finally, a term for all that I had experienced — everything on your list, plus forgetting to pick up children from choir practice, losing a child in a shopping centre, resulting in me doing everything at home, at work, and taking children to and from activities. Divorced him seven years ago. Life is peaceful and quiet, relaxed and stress-free. — Ramona
I have just read the article on the above topic and I'm stunned to see there is a name for what I experienced in my marriage. — Jane
I have suffered this my whole life. First from parents and siblings, then my first husband, children, and now second husband. It is always the same, denial of knowledge and deliberate mistakes. If I stand up to it, I am accused of being bad tempered or exaggerating. Thank you for giving this a name. Now I feel heard. — Megan
Plenty could relate to the examples described…
Nothing like getting the "I don't know how to use the washing powder" – the instructions are literally on the package. Also the "I can't clean up my kids vomit because it makes me feel sick" – it's not a walk in the park for me either. — Leesa
It always baffled me when a perfectly capable and intelligent adult male who was able to read a book (i.e. follow a recipe) claimed to only know three dishes. — Melanie
My ex-wife was a master at this. Washed the dishes once in 12 years. — Adrian
My ex pretended he couldn't pack a dishwasher. He destroyed baking trays, pots — all of which couldn't be put in the dishwasher. He then refused to pack it. — Jane
I experience it at work all the time. Lazy people don't want to do things. — Sperger
I don't live with a partner, but I have two housemates that do this. — Mylo
Some readers have their own ways of describing weaponised incompetence…
We used to call it "stick-the-pin-in-the-baby" behaviour. — Julianne
The term "learned helplessness" has been around a long time — Lima
I call it 'the bumbling fool strategy'. [Also] 'your standards are too high' and 'you only had to ask (and ask, and ask…)' From a woman twice-divorced and now living alone, I've seen 'em all. — Lee
I never knew there was an official term for what I like to call intentional half-arsing. — Julie
That's a fancy way of saying they're lazy. — James
I wanted to flag a related issue which I call "weaponised ambivalence". Examples of this might include meal planning: "I don't care what we eat so you decide, you're more particular," which leads to unequal labour. — Michelle
Others noted it wasn't weaponised incompetence if the division of tasks was agreed upon…
My husband can't wash the dishes properly. I seem to have no control over the lawn mower. I guess after 44 years of marriage we're perfectly matched together and everything gets done properly. — Helen
I'm so lucky and grateful for my partner. He prepares, I cook. He packs the dishwasher, I wash the pots. I do the washing, he hangs it out. — Ming
It's OK as long as you have your specialities. He is better at booking travel, I am better at finance and banking stuff. I do the painting, he does the vacuuming. — Vickey
And there were those who felt it wasn't gendered…
Yep, it's about time all the women in the house start taking out the garbage and fixing around the house! — Davis
Does this weaponised incompetence also involve things like "But I'm not strong enough to start the whippersnipper?" Or is it just for light duties? — Luke
Some people are literally just useless at doing this stuff and not considerate enough to learn. It's definitely not gendered — I've seen it happen on both sides of the spectrum. — Russell
Plus, your advice for dealing with it…
A perfect way to combat it when they say they are no good at that job is to just say "Well in that case, I'll save that job exclusively for you from now on so you can get more practice in". — Kip
We had a stalemate on sharing tasks. So, I stopped doing them. Learn the new coffee machine — nope. Share the cooking — nope. Now they are no longer my responsibility. At all. Wish I'd worked this out years earlier. — Daisy
Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts. Some comments have been edited for clarity and brevity.
