Parenting is an intense ride and always being the one in the driver's seat can take its toll.
And having someone firmly entrenched as passenger can actually be damaging for both partners and the relationship.
Recent research found that in heterosexual relationships, where it is mums most often taking the wheel, some dads can experience a phenomenon labelled "passenger parenting".
The term was coined by Norma Barrett, the study's co-author and lecturer in public health and health promotion at Deakin University in Warrnambool, on the traditional lands of the Gunditjmara people in regional Victoria.
She explains that while fathers are becoming increasingly engaged in daily family life, the persistence of a gendered norm means some feel on the "outskirts" when it comes to parenting decisions.
And parenting alongside a passenger parent isn't easy, says Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists.
She says mothers who are carrying the lion's share of caring responsibilities because the men in their lives are not participating more may feel burdened.
"It can be really stressful if you do feel you are the default parent and wearing the emotional and cognitive load of all decisions," she says.
So, what can you do if you're stuck in a driver-passenger parent dynamic? And, because passenger parenting can look a lot like weaponised incompetence, we explain the difference.
How dads become passenger parents and how they feel about it
While some dads Ms Barrett spoke to were "happy to go with the flow" and be led by their partner, most wanted to fully share the whole experience but felt "shut out" from doing so.
She says the "sidekick" parenting role often begins for practical and social reasons.
For example, it's most often mothers who take time off to care for the baby.
"There are physical reasons for that [being the birthing parent], and also if the baby is being breastfed then naturally it will be the mother that is going to do that," Ms Barrett says.
Dads may have little to no time off before returning to work, and the parent spending the bulk of the time with the child becomes "specialised" in the gig of parenting.
Ms Dober says dads might feel like they are not as equipped to do things like dress the child, how and when to feed the child, and what health appointments they need, for example.
Some men in Ms Barrett's research expressed passenger parenting had a negative impact on their relationships.
"They are trying to be more involved in decision making, like around caring for the baby, feeding the baby, trying to be part of it, and if struggles were arising, coming up with solutions — but not always feeling like they knew the right language or approach.
"They would feel really shut down ... not knowing their place."
Fathers can get stuck in their passenger role beyond the transition into parenthood, explains Ms Barrett, because even when mothers might return to work and the caring load should equalise, dads haven't had the same "parenting boot camp", leaving them on the backfoot.
Tough on mums
Ms Dober says while some women may be happy to take a leadership role in parenting, others may feel there is a pressure to be the "expert parent".
Whether it's a role they are comfortable with or not, it can be a difficult one to fulfil, with consequences for their wellbeing, career, and financial future.
If current working patterns continue, the average 25-year-old woman today who goes on to have one child can expect to make $2 million less in lifetime earnings compared to the average 25-year-old man who also becomes a parent.
Research also shows twice as many women as men experience parental burnout, due to the fact women still carry 70 per cent of the family mental load.
"There are so many micro decisions in the day-to-day of parenting that really do add up — an infinite amount of decision to make," Ms Dober says.
The relationship can be impacted if women feel they aren't supported, she says.
"There might be resentment if you perceive your passenger parent is just deferring to you because they can't be bothered or prefer you managing it."
Is passenger parenting just weaponised incompetence?
In intimate partner relationships, weaponised incompetence is often evident in the division of domestic tasks and caring labour.
It is when someone "demonstrates helplessness, real or false, in order to avoid certain tasks or responsibility, thus making other people [often their partner and/or co-parent] feel they have to step in and do it for them," Ms Dober told us for a previous article.
What makes passenger parenting different is intent, she explains.
"Weaponised incompetence is when you might be trying to gain more spare time to rest, socialise, or just tend to your own needs versus those of the family.
"Passenger parenting is feeling like you have less agency. There isn't malicious intent — although it can look the same depending on some behaviours."
Ms Dober says passenger parents will feel like they are missing out on something, and can "take a beating to their self-esteem".
Parenting expert and dad to six daughters Justin Coulson says while some dads are "happy to take a back seat", in his experience, men overwhelmingly want to be more involved.
"They crave the opportunity to be actively involved in their children's lives — and it's really important that both partners in the relationships do what they can to facilitate that."
Sharing the 'drive'
While there are societal and structural barriers to reaching equality in co-parenting relationships, such as making it more viable for dads to take parental leave, there are some ways individuals can work towards improvement.
Dr Coulson recommends couples have weekly check-ins.
"On a Sunday morning when things are relatively quiet, my wife and I sit down and ask three questions. First, 'What's going well?' And we just take a minute to bask in the sunshine of success."
Secondly, they ask "What hasn't worked this week?"
"It's not a finger-pointing exercise, rather saying 'I've struggled here', of 'I could have done with more support on Wednesday night when three things were happening at once'," Dr Coulson says as an example.
Lastly, "What could we work on this week?"
"And the critical part of that is put together a plan to make that happen," he says.
While Ms Barrett's research recommended couples have conversations early on about their parenting expectations, Ms Dober says those can change over time.
She says parents can regularly touch base on what they would like to do more, or less of.
For dads who feel like they don't have agency, that might be expressing what they would like to have more expertise in, or what challenges they think could benefit them in learning to do more?
Ms Dober says parents need to be kind to themselves, and each other.
"Understanding that parenting is hard — you're both on this journey together, and figuring out what parenting looks like for your family.
"And that might be different to others, and to how you grew up."
