Told they couldn't go out with friends. Stopped from giving male friends a hug. Called crazy and gaslit when their partner did something wrong.
They are just some of the early signs of intimate partner violence shared by victim-survivors in recent research from The University of Melbourne.
The study explored timelines of abuse in relationships, including early warning signs, which research fellow and co-author Elizabeth McLindon says usually involved psychological and emotional abuse by the perpetrator, such as isolating and controlling behaviours.
"Feeling as though there were subtle rules perhaps around who you could see and how much time you could spend with them," Dr McLindon, also from The Royal Women's Hospital, says for example.
She says the authors interviewed 815 women, 75 per cent of whom had a male partner, given they are "disproportionately the victim-survivors of intimate partner violence".
"It is a gendered crime as well as a gendered social issue," Dr McLindon says.
The report mapped different types of abuse over time and identified behavioural patterns, which can help women, along with health workers and others in their lives, recognise early red flags and intervene before violence escalates, she says.
"The psychological, emotional and physical health of women who are in relationships where there is abuse is worse than women who are not.
"And those health impacts last long after the relationship is over."
We spoke with victim-survivors independent of the research, including some from Advocates for Change with Engender Equality, based in Tasmania/Lutruwita, about the early warning signs they identified retrospectively since escaping violence.
Some names and details have been changed to protect the identity of contributors.
The experiences below may be distressing for readers.
'Controlling how long I should wear my hair'
Looking back there were signs from early in the relationship, like him being jealous, controlling how long I should wear my hair, or him driving off dangerously during an argument.
I used to think the first time he was physically abusive was the first time he was abusive. But I now realise that I had been scared of him and his reactions many times before that, and that was a huge red flag.
— Rachel, 40s, Tasmania
'Always wanting to be with me'
He was always wanting to be in control of where I was. He would be turning up at locations like where I was working, or if I was out with a girlfriend.
He was always wanting to be with me. At the start you think it's amazing this person is so into you and wanting to spend every moment of the day with you. Really, they were early signs of love bombing, isolation and control.
— Charlotte, 50s, Tasmania
'I thought it would settle down'
It's always easier in hindsight with these things, because it's so subtle. It can appear benign. Those early signs can come across as caring gestures, or concern, or even love.
There was constant messages and phone calls. I just thought it was over-excitement about the relationship.
I thought it would settle down with time. But it became obsessive and escalated to full-on stalking.
— Hannah, 50s, Melbourne/Naarm
'Extremely jealous of my male friends'
I met him on a night out and the relationship escalated very quickly. It was quicker than I felt comfortable with, but he didn't respond well to me putting the brakes on in any way, and responded by sulking and withdrawing.
He told me many lies, which led me to believe that he was a really similar person to me. He mirrored things that I told him about me. It soon became clear that many of these things were gross exaggerations, at the very least.
He was extremely jealous of my male friends. If I spoke about them or ex-partners, he would be competitive, often making up things about himself to make himself sound better than them.
— Carrie, 40s, Tasmania
'I could feel myself disappearing into the background'
One time, I noticed that he was not happy that I was having a conversation with a man that was working for us. He fired him the next day.
He didn't like it if I was not at home when he came home from work. His demeanour would change dramatically, and it would take days for him to get over it.
In social settings, he would always talk over the top of me and shape the conversation around himself. I could feel myself disappearing into the background whenever he was around.
It was impossible to have a rational discussion with him about anything to do with our relationship. He was always the victim somehow. He could never bring himself to say sorry, no matter how big or small the issue.
He was threatened whenever I had some form of personal success and was totally incapable of acknowledging my efforts or being happy for me.
— Susie, 50s, Tasmania
'My self-confidence plummeted'
He was so attentive. Rushing into saying "I love you". The grand gestures. Every Tuesday he would bring me a gift. He started rewarding me with treats and food. Looking back that was a thing for him to control my weight, to get me fat. My self-confidence plummeted.
There was extreme jealousy. He'd make it seem like because he loved me so much, he didn't want me to be around anybody else.
— Sarah, 40s, Tasmania
'Pressure early on for commitment'
There was pressure soon into the relationship for exclusive commitment. Wanting me to move in with him soon after we became a couple.
He'd constantly check on me, turning up at my place without prior notice and daily interrogations: where I’d been, who I saw. Couching his behaviours under the guise of being so in love he wanted to spend most of his time with me.
His psychological abuse was a form of manipulation where he assigned responsibility on me to make him happy — to dress as he suggested and to converse on topics he was interested in only.
— Deborah, 60s, Tasmania
We'd like to thank all the victim-survivors who generously shared their experiences with us. Examples provided at the beginning of this article from The University of Melbourne research have been shared with permission from the study's authors.
